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Old 08-06-08, 07:31 PM   #1
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Default St Patrick's Day Self Help Guide

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the
2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other
98% completely $hit faced.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally
use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders
afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting
raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations,
you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in
a fraternity carpet.

The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect
the following supplies and put them in a place where
you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition.
We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet
and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll
probably end up:

1 quart spring water 1 bottle aspirin 5 pairs Depends
undergarment 1 bottle Percocet 1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract 1 precharged electric
defibrillator 4 Cardiac needles 1 trauma surgeon

Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish
whiskey, drink.

Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout
the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish
Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial
stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day,
you are going to die.

Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45
a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink
and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your
license or killing someone in a drunken state when you
have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk
on your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this
is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in
Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic
means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America
has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or
The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the
bar is probably owned by Koreans.

Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances.
The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish
people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what
the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an
adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really
doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet
with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell
will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of

We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees
to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not
order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity
little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry,
and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur
while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for
coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the
whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your
day like the occasional whippet.

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important
to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in
Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like that, and don't eat,
he is going to die."

If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous,
bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking,
there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both
have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy,
both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both
have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring
your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening
phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day
besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".

By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer.
You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may
be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't
always turn green because of food coloring.

Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.

By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take
long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on.
If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look
twice or three times as crowded as it really is.

By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish
people, since the person you came with has likely been
taken away by ambulance.

Some conversational points to remember when talking
to the Irish are:

Football really means Soccer, and you should be more
passionate about it than you are about your wife or
husband, AND The English are all ****-arsed, pig-*******
bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the

If you remember those two points, as well at least three
derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk
to the Irish for hours.

You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this
leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee
if your heartbeat has become irregular.

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing

Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave
the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since
a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death,
and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now.

The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before
closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the
police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit
or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway.
You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor
control has been gone since the late morning, but it
doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.

Depending on your community, the police should arrive
within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and
clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is
the most important: as you are being dragged from the
bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink
with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend
who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach
pumped, and will be able to bail you out.

By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's
Day experience would be one you would never forget if
it weren't physically and biologically impossible for
you to remember any of it. Tune in next month for our
next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons of Waking Up
Naked In a Dumpster.
Some people are like Slinkys, not worth anything but funny as hell when they fall down the stairs.
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Old 08-06-08, 07:50 PM   #2
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You will be courteous to your elders who have explored to the point from which you may advance; and helpful to your juniors who will progress farther by reason of your labours.
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Old 09-06-08, 06:22 AM   #3
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Damn!!!! I'm spending next St Pats Day with you. You have a better time than we do.
I do have one question do you play with the band if your butt isn't allowed to leave the seat.? Does the band conveniently come to you? Which pipers get to stand on the bar?
I believe...that normal is just a setting on your dryer.
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